"All these tears that I've cried/You must be tired/Of taking care of me, but/It's what you do best/And I'm a liar/'Cause really it's what I need...

Song Reference: "Finding Myself" - Smile Empty Soul

If you could sum up my life in one word, it would be "fight".

My life just hasn't been a fight as I've struggled to gain independence, my own posessions, or a little bit of happiness, but it seems that once a day, I get into a verbal spat with someone I know.

I hate fighting. I've been duking it out with way too many people. Since the beginning of 2004, it's been with Chele, her sister Denise, my mom, my grandfather, my best friend Marlena, my friend Angie, my "friend" Candace (I say that, because she hardly treats me like a friend), and countless other people. I could list every single name here, but we'd be here a while, and I have to leave in about 20 minutes.

The fact is, I'm just plain sick of arguing. I give up on fights, just to get them over with. I thought leaving Chicago would end them all, because the bulk of them were because of my mother. People don't realize what fighting does to me. I literally get sick. I vomit. My stomach turns and I just feel like hell. You cannot begin to imagine what I go through. Fighting with the people closest to me doesn't just break my heart, but I get physically ill, and I can just collapse.

I wish I was making this up. I've ran to the bathroom and vomited after arguments. Ask Chele.

I just want to get away from everything right now. You cannot begin to imagine my heart, mind, and body, after having an argument today. The fighting has gone on and on...

I really do feel useless and unwanted, probably even unloved right now. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

Of course, nobody will read this. Even if my friends have my blogger URL, they never comment on it, unless they think I've said something to slight them.

That's the story of my life. I have an opinion as to how someone hurt my feelings, and I'm the bad guy. Everyone hates me for feeling someway/wanting something, but they all turn around and need me. Everyone needs me for something, but everyone runs off when I need them.

Is that really fair? Am I that bad for wanting things to be different?

I don't expect anyone to understand, really.

I still don't expect anyone to read this.