This just about sums me up...

You hold me inside your iris
like a terminal stain on life
You condescend to my primal brain
and twist me around like a knife

Can't begin to explain
The feelings I have restrained
Don't ask me how I am
Because you're too busy planning your epitaph
Let me tell you

DON'T - try to be the ONE - person
Who has STAYED - just to say
They never left me!
Aggravated, complicated, someone say it
God, I never learn…

You keep me hidden behind a curtain,
an audible human display
You feed me orchids to give me courage
and keep me in line with disdain

Can't begin to explain
The feelings I have restrained
Don't ask me how I am
Because you're too busy planning your epitaph
Let me tell you

DON'T - try to be the ONE - person
Who has STAYED - just to say
They never left me!
Aggravated, complicated, someone say it
God, I never learn…

I have nothing left for you…
you left me with nothing

I live at arm's length and die a little,
between your constants by day
I want my soul back before it's over,
I can't even wish you away

Can't begin to explain
The feelings I have restrained
Don't ask me how I am
Because you're too busy planning your epitaph
Let me tell you

DON'T - try to be the ONE - person
Who has STAYED - just to say
They never left me!
Aggravated, complicated, someone say it
God, I never learn…

I NEVER LEARN!!

Your temptations are ugly/Moving forward by stumbling/Breathing in all that we see/Holding all that we could be...

Song reference: "A Point In Time" - Onesidezero

Shitty weekend, really. Well, there was some good in it. I got the two action figures I was looking for in Randy Orton & Batista, and now I'm just taking in the last little bit of the weekend. Chele and I had a nice one, even if there was some small arguing.

Oh well...not much for me to add, since the principle cast knows the deal.

Lata.

And I find it kind of funny/I find it kind of sad/The dreams in which I'm dying/Are the best I've ever had...

Song reference: Gary Jules - "Mad World"

Fighting didn't stop after I blogged last night. An argument with Chele made it worse. I had to force down dinner.

My stomach is still twisted in knots, and nobody's talking to me today. I was hoping I could've gone into work today, so I could've faked a smile long enough for me to believe it, you know? If you believe something long enough, it no longer becomes a lie, it becomes a truth.

People can't even begin to imagine how depressed I am. It seems like I have friends here, but everyone here is fake and shallow...even moreso than in high school. The only person that's been close to a real friend here is this guy I met at work named Daniel. He burns me CDs, and we chat about shit. He doesn't work with me, but he works in the mall. I don't hang out with him or anything but hey...I guess it's a start.

And of course, the fighting between Marlena resumes again this morning. I feel like my feelings don't matter. I keep saying the same things over and over again. It doesn't register with anyone. People will still ask me for things, and I will still say yes.

I will ask people for a favor, and they will shut the door on my face.

People ask why I'm so negative these days...especially the people who have known me for several years. You know why? I've seen the good in people. I know that people are capable of doing great, wonderful things for another human being.

It's just too bad that none of those people know me.

"All these tears that I've cried/You must be tired/Of taking care of me, but/It's what you do best/And I'm a liar/'Cause really it's what I need...

Song Reference: "Finding Myself" - Smile Empty Soul

If you could sum up my life in one word, it would be "fight".

My life just hasn't been a fight as I've struggled to gain independence, my own posessions, or a little bit of happiness, but it seems that once a day, I get into a verbal spat with someone I know.

I hate fighting. I've been duking it out with way too many people. Since the beginning of 2004, it's been with Chele, her sister Denise, my mom, my grandfather, my best friend Marlena, my friend Angie, my "friend" Candace (I say that, because she hardly treats me like a friend), and countless other people. I could list every single name here, but we'd be here a while, and I have to leave in about 20 minutes.

The fact is, I'm just plain sick of arguing. I give up on fights, just to get them over with. I thought leaving Chicago would end them all, because the bulk of them were because of my mother. People don't realize what fighting does to me. I literally get sick. I vomit. My stomach turns and I just feel like hell. You cannot begin to imagine what I go through. Fighting with the people closest to me doesn't just break my heart, but I get physically ill, and I can just collapse.

I wish I was making this up. I've ran to the bathroom and vomited after arguments. Ask Chele.

I just want to get away from everything right now. You cannot begin to imagine my heart, mind, and body, after having an argument today. The fighting has gone on and on...

I really do feel useless and unwanted, probably even unloved right now. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

Of course, nobody will read this. Even if my friends have my blogger URL, they never comment on it, unless they think I've said something to slight them.

That's the story of my life. I have an opinion as to how someone hurt my feelings, and I'm the bad guy. Everyone hates me for feeling someway/wanting something, but they all turn around and need me. Everyone needs me for something, but everyone runs off when I need them.

Is that really fair? Am I that bad for wanting things to be different?

I don't expect anyone to understand, really.

I still don't expect anyone to read this.

Show me how it ends, it's alright/Show me how defenseless you really are/Satisfied and empty inside/That's alright, let's give this another try...

Song Reference: "So Cold" - Breaking Benjamin

So I finally catch up with my old friend Angie (not Angie from my Yahoo groups), and her and I start talking about personal shit. I know it sounds difficult, but after everything said and done involving her as of late, I don't know if I can trust her.

To be honest, I'm just starting to rebuild trust with a lot of people I know, all things considered. I've been burned a lot in the past year, especially when I've needed people the most. I've had a lot of betrayal in my life from a lot of people I trusted more than anything. I'd name names, but I really don't enjoying spilling a few of them from my lips.

The point is, everyone's gotta drop my name as "hey, I did this for him!", or "Hey! Look at the trash I can talk about Jonathan!". Everyone acts like I fucking piss and moan about them. For the idiots that still stick around here that like to drop my name like it's hot, let me tell you something. I'm pretty much over you. I don't talk about you, in fact, I leave your shitty lives alone. Your never-will-be wrestling career and your sham of a marriage don't mean shit to me.

Your words show me that at least I'm the mature one about this. For god fucking sake, I moved on already, can't you tell? I leave you three alone. If I wanted to drop your name, I'd be a man about it and do it somewhere that you guys would KNOW about. I would drop your name in a venue where you can defend yourself.

But whatever...it shows me that I'm the real fucking winner. At least you need me to survive.

One of my favorite songs said it best, "Save your breath, your soul is hollow".

That's the way it really is for everyone who likes to come around and say they're a friend and lie their little asses off. I'm sick of people pretending like they give a shit and want to be around, when they're nothing more than a bunch of hanger-ons. I stick my neck out for a whole list of people, and they do jack shit in return. No matter what I do, people still act like I owe them something.

Well next time the tree falls on your fuckers, I'm not going to help.

I thought it would be nice/To lie down and close my eyes/It never occured to me/That I am already asleep...

Song Reference: Trapt - "Enigma"

Mornin'.

So it was a rough week, to be honest. I worked Tuesday-Saturday, most of it feeling like hell. Sunday is my typical off day, but it felt like my body was really chugging along most of it. I don't know why. Sundays drag and make my body feel like shit. Today's a nice little makeup day, and it should continue until Thursday at the earliest, Friday at the latest.

I argued with some friends last night over minor shit, but it's nothing that can't be fixed. In most areas of my life, things seem to be back on track. Marlena and I are on one of our friendship highs, which I love. We're back to being the dynamic duo...that's always nice. Chele woke up kind of grumpy, and that's not always nice. I mentioned that it would be super-uber-sweet if she went back to the Toys 'R Us we were at this weekend and bought that Batista/Randy Orton two-pack we saw. I know she probably won't, and I don't think they'll be left, but it's always a thought, right?

*sigh* This week starts on a mixed note. We'll see how things go.

Catch ya tomorrow.

Good. You know your music. You should be able to
work at Championship Vinyl with Rob, Dick and
Barry

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